"You say you love me, but are you willing to give up misogyny for me?"
via @thatdesifeminist
A few years ago, my then-partner and I were working out at the gym together when another frequent gym goer, a man in his mid sixties, changed the trajectory of our relationship. I was about half way through my workout, with my partner working out next to me while chatting with a male personal trainer in his twenties near by. My partner and I were both facing the mirror - he was doing biceps curls while I did some loaded squats a few feet away. The older man walked behind us, and from my view in the mirror I saw his eyes fixated on my.. ehem… rear, with lust, objectification and unchecked dominance in his eyes.
He gave a bro-nod to my partner, and said above the booming sounds of bad rock music, “She looks good, man!” I heard mutters of “yup” and “lucky man” and “you know it” amongst the puffed-out-chest-chuckles exchanged between the three men near me. I stood there in shock, reduced to a piece of meat, bile churned in my gut, rising up my throat, threatening to spill unbelievable anger against the misogyny on the gym floor.
Half an hour later, when leaving the gym, I was quiet as my partner talked without a care in the world for what had transpired. Finally I interrupted his one sided conversation about his work thoughts and said, “It really hurt that instead of standing up for me and calling that guy out on his inappropriate comment, you laughed along with him and the trainer.”
”Oh. Sorry,” He started in reply, “But like, come on, love… he is right! You are like the hottest, youngest woman in that gym, wearing tight Lululemon pants and doing squats! You can’t blame a guy.”
Things I wish I had said in that moment had I not been paralyzed by the betrayal and hurt:
”Are you fucking kidding me?”
”What a disgusting reply.”
”You and your unchecked misogyny can get the fuck out of here.”
”You can’t say that you love me and at the same time think that my mistreatment is my fault.”
”Do you realize that this is the exact line of thinking that blames rape victims by asking them what they were wearing when they were assaulted?”
”Do you have any idea how unsafe you have made me feel?”
”Do you realize I will never ever forget that you chose misogynistic jokes over my safety and well-being?”
”You have just outed yourself as unsafe.”
”You are choosing toxic masculinity and misogyny over my wellbeing, my safety, and my care.”
I wish I had said any of these things, but I said nothing. I tried, but I couldn’t find the strength or words. The weight of his power and dominance in that scenario (backed by patriarchy) was suffocating. I cried while driving home.
Looking back, I can hardly believe how small that conversation made me feel. I feel such grief for that version of me who did not have enough safety or courage to stand up against the toxic masculinity in my relationship and had enough internalized misogyny that she thought she would be being “dramatic” if she “made a big deal out of it” - “it” being a misogynistic comment that I was supposed to take in stride, even as a compliment.
That day changed the trajectory of my relationship with my then-partner and ultimately my life. The reality is that there are some truths that once seen cannot be unseen, once heard cannot be unheard, once felt cannot be unfelt. In the months after that incident I tried to engage him in conversations about misogyny, patriarchy, sexism and my lived experience in our relationship (in and outside of couples therapy). Sadly, ultimately there was no budging from him (a self-proclaimed feminist nonetheless), and though it was a painful lesson to learn, I did come to understand that a man who chooses toxic masculinity and bro-culture over care and respect for women, is not offering an equal, respectful or kind love. And I deserve a love that crowns me rather than feed me to the wolves.