Who Were You Before...?
Who were you before the world told you who you should be?
Do you remember? How do we go back to the moments before the influence of the world around us pushed against our truth with such force that we changed shape, direction?
You know those frozen in time moments, those short vignettes that punctuate our otherwise blurry recollection of the past?
One of these memories for me is me at age 11, sitting in the front row of a large classroom, perfectly matching with all the other girls in dark navy tunics and light blue scarves. All of us sitting in tidy rows of desks, where we are about to write our grade 6 final exams in literature and writing. Like many other children I grew up with , I took my test scores and grade point average very seriously, even at age 11. Iranian culture can be intense like that.
Although I was often one of the top students in my grade, I wouldn’t say I was particularly smart; I’d say I was of average intelligence with a bad case of people pleasing behaviour. I cared to get good grades and meet external expectations, except when it came to writing (ie. essay or storytelling) exams. In this case, I only cared to let my imagination roam and allow for words to flow through me, hoping I would be lucky enough for my hand to write fast enough to capture the ideas coming through.
So there I am, sitting in the front row, a plain piece of paper in front of me, my pencil in hand, palms slightly sweaty from nerves, feet firmly planted on the ground, eyes shifting back and forth between the clock and the teacher. When will we begin already?!? Finally she opens a sealed envelop, takes out a long piece of paper and reads out loud the topic on which we will write our short stories for the next 60 minutes.
I hang on to every piece of instruction she provides. I listen with keen attentiveness so that I don’t miss any small nuance. An entire world of visuals and words, metaphors and textures explodes inside me. I sit in stillness for several minutes while the students around me write feverishly.
“Ms. Erfan, where did you go?” I hear the teacher ask. I perk up, like a deer caught in headlights. But she looks back at me with kindness pouring out of her eyes. She pauses in front of my desk, fixes her hijab, tucking a few strands of loose hair back into her scarf, smiles warmly and says, “The story is waiting for you.”
And so I begin. I write and write and write, as though it is the last thing I will ever do. I write until the last second of the 60 minutes is up, and I tie my story up in a bow with a sentence that was slowly forming and then begging to be written down, ever since the paper was pulled out of the envelope, and the invitation was made to put my wild imagination into words.
Image: visuals from the mood board for my book Conscious Grieving, on sale early 2021.
Writing for me is the thing I have always loved, because it helps me feel free, fully here and yet somewhere entirely different, creating something without a care for how it is rated by others. It’s been 25 years since that day sitting in the front row, and the stories seem to always be waiting to be written.
How about you?
Is there a thing you have always loved that allows you to feel free? That you enjoyed in childhood so much you lost time, and yet the memories stand out as it they lasted your entire childhood? What was the thing you loved doing most before adults began to project on to you what you should do, what you were good at, what you would succeed at, what you could be when you grew up? Have you thought about it lately? This is a powerful self-study reflection exercise.
So often the voices of others begin to drown out our own inner knowings. When we become aware of this, it is critical for our wellbeing, growth and expansion to listen to our own inner voice with patience and attunement. Otherwise, we will end up living a life that may not bring us the pleasure, joy, ease, peace, grace and purpose we long for. We may end up living a life for the validation of others, or simply in fear of disappointing the watchful eyes around us. But if we choose to live a life to please others, we may end up completely displeased at the end of it all.
I urge you to reflect NOW, Act NOW. Choose you, Now. There is no day but today. There is no future, but the one you are constantly co-creating with the universe. If you have the privilege and opportunity to pursue your truth, I beg you to do it. It will light your way and shine the light for the path towards truth for others around you.
NOTE: My first book is in the process of being published and will be released early 2021. If you’d like to learn about my process of writing and details on the publication of the book, I invite you to DM me your email address to be added to my contacts
** find my designer Steph on Instagram @lind.studio